shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
