I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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