Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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