the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We're too hungover to prance.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
