I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
The best revenge is premature balding
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize