I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
