I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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