Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
