i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
