Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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