So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
