If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
