i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
