When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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