when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
