You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We are two peas in an std pod
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
