If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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