New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got inside last night via doggy door
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
