Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
