Already got asked if we're dating
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
