Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
