she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
