and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
