I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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