I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
