ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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