Can i not drive my cunt home
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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