ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
