dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
