Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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