After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
