No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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