Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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