You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize