My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
