the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She's the barista slut.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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