He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
