I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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