Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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