HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
