This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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