i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Houston, we have a blender
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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