you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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