Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
