I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
