god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
