Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
