I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Randomize
