I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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