On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
