So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
