you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
