I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize