I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
