I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize