no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
