Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
