i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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