I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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