dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
