yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
