I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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