This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
