Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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