I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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