It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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