my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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