Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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