I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
