Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
