Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Randomize
