I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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